Contributed by Deb

Dear Ones,

I’ve been fairly silent lately.  Sometimes, I just need to ponder things before I find my voice and if I try to force myself to speak too early, things come out garbled.  Does that happen to you?

Last night, in the middle of the night, as often happens, I was thinking about you mothers and caretakers and reflecting back to the days when my young children needed so much from me.  Now that I am grieving for those days (yes, it’s a big adjustment having an empty house), I often wonder how I could have been more present for my children in the midst of the chaos of getting them to school (or homeschooling them), feeding and tending them as well as trying to keep some order in the house… and trying have some kind of a life outside of these family responsibilities.

At the time, I was practicing mindfulness meditation and doing qi gong daily. They were my touchstones and helped me stay attentive.  But now, standing back from it all a few feet (or should I say a few years) what I really needed were heart fullness practices.  I ask myself, how could I have kept my heart open more?

I had been thinking that much of the answer to this query is in slowing down but last night, in the dark of the night, I realized more fully that it’s not just in slowing down and seeing.  It’s not just in connecting.  And I certainly don’t think it’s possible to be ‘present’ constantly.  What came to me in the wee hours was a step beyond keeping my heart open to my children:  I remembered the importance of being openhearted – with myself.

Oh, that I could go back to those days fully loving myself.  I don’t mean loving myself like with a verb, as in self-care ~ having retreat time for myself or getting my nails done, or taking a bath every night ~ as wonderful as those things are.  I mean having a gentle, tender and accepting presence with everything I experienced and felt and did back then.

I remember the days of reading parenting books and trying so hard to be all things to my children.  And when I failed, I became my own drill sergeant.  I’d schedule more, I’d try harder, I’d lay awake at night running through my day and trying to reshape it so that I would be or had been a better mom.  Even slowing down would become a goal, a ‘should’ and then, of course, it could be something I could fail at.  I hardly ever held my own heart.  I was rarely kind to myself.

So I ask, are you able to hold yourself and all of your beautiful womanly emotional ups and downs with generosity of spirit?

Imagine yourself, as I did in the middle of the night, lying on the grass with your hand on your heart while children run around beside you playing tag.

Imagine a little heart drawn in the center of your hand and one on your child’s hands.  She’d stop playing every once in a while and touch hearts with you – hand to hand.  Nature is helping you to remember your preciousness.  The sun is shining through the maple leaves and there’s a warm breeze on your cheeks and somehow, you know as if never before, you are being held.  Feeling the tree roots underneath you ~ you feel a firmness and connection to the earth that helps you to remember you belong.  Nature’s beneficence surrounds you.

How might this good earth show you the way to self-mercy?  How might it teach you about being enough? Who amongst the flowers might show you the way to letting go of perfection?  Which tree might show the way of a strong heart – one formed in total acceptance of all that resides and lives inside of us?

I can only imagine how having my own inner peace might have affected my children when they were young.  Now, I am using spacious heart practices with the hope that my children can feel the difference across the miles in their adult lives.

You, dear parents and caretakers, can stand in this fertile place of loving kindness and let everything else go.
No need to do anything any differently.  Just remember, place your hand on your heart some times and look to the plants, rain, sun, moon and the seasons to show you the gentle way.

With much love,
Deb

~ In honor of the blessing of mercy from the Solomon’s seal who live on my forest floor ~

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